Category Archives: Absurd



Linton BART Johnson Pardoned, sort of

After one year of punitive transparency, it seems BART spokesman Linton Johnson is eligible for parole.

Hopefully not for the sake of modeling gone wrong, but for the sake of liberty, Mr. Linton will use his new position in the best interests of those who employ him directly and indirectly.

Da Funky Scowl Jowl Cofer, on Cyber Killin

Not really,..well kind of sort of..but really, not…F%#K it, just ask Donald Rumsfeld!

Ex CIA and Cyber killa “Joseph Da Funky Scowl Jowl Cofer” has warned hackers the world-over that a war is on, and it’s private. Instead of shooting innocent foreign civilians from armored vehicles while listening to Elvis and enjoying military rations, Blackwater will now be pointing their rifles at teenage hackers who oppose the New World Order.

In EIA’s exclusive interview, Da Funky Scowl Jowl Cofer made the following statements while attending the August 33rd Bilderberg meeting at a subterranean Walmart in Nebraska:

First off, you don’t (silent “t”) even know me. It’s like you think you own me, yo. An it aint dat way. You see, I’ma a cyber killa, an yo ass gonna get blasted, as simple as dat, yo. You alls keep steppin, and you think you gonna keep reckin, yo, an it juss aint dat way. I gots my gat, and homey Hayden, yo, and weez fixin ta fuck shit up like you aint neva gonna believe. Wad it’s like, bein’ a thug in da pentagon; you think you know? You donno shit, bitch. It’s a thug’s life.

The interview went on for quite some time, and Da Scowl Jowl’s rhetoric became less coherent – and I actually had to replace our original cameraman when Da Jowl bit off a portion of his ear. To our relief, Da Jowl seemed to be sedated by a bag of cheeseburgers and quart of isopropyl alcohol provided by our social engineer, who also calculated that the value of the gold tooth remaining in Bob’s (cameraman) ear would more than cover medical costs, with enough left over for Starbucks. Through the ups and downs, Da Scowl Jowl did mention a few of the reasons for his new war on talented teens:

It’s like dis yo; we gots da innernet an shit, an like, wad if some teenage bitch hacked into a [new que lur] powa plant? We allz be owned. Dem bitches can shut down our banks, and turn off our televisions, and buss up our [eko nommy], an all. Some muthafuckas think it’s a game an shit, yo. It aint no game dawg. Like when I turns on my laptop,…. shhheeeet; it’s like Libya up dere in Arabia. Them punk ass kids be tryin to snatch my shit, yo. An I aint even got no [new que lur] powa plant. What dis is’bout be tear-ism. An dem bitch ass punks be taking my records without payin. We gots to stop dat P2P! Even Janet know dat. Dis gonna be a new pearl harbor, a new 9/11. Brace yo self!

At this point we decided to end the interview. The crew was tired, and Bob’s ear was beginning to swell. But not without talking to Mr. Sshneier first – who had been watching the interview through Skype, remotely. Sshneier disagrees not just with Da Funky Scowl Jowl, but with cyber gangstas in general. He stated that they are essentially a band of ridiculous drama-queens who don’t know a laptop from an ass-hat, and that if taken too seriously by society, might cause a serious reduction in the quality of life, possibly bringing the nation into a hysterical panic-attack which has very little to do with Blackwater or contract killing, and everything to do with taking control of the internet. Sshneier argues that security is not a matter of words, hyperbole, or guns; but more a matter of intelligent decisions, and positive adjustments to infrastructures.

I personally can see no reason for killing hackers when victimization is entirely voluntary. We would be much better off simply securing our systems than leaving them open to intruders, and killing anyone who enters. With populations such as those of India and China, the cost of cremation will quickly exceed the cost of intelligent cooperation and development. What we need is stronger IT.

Our talk with Sshneier ended there, with what seemed like the last words “the DoD” uttered just before the connection was mysteriously terminated.

- Stay tuned for for our next interview: EIA psycho-therapist talks to several top government cyber-schizophrenics. A heart breaking story of people who just can’t accept the internet.

Digital Blackwater? – EIA Infiltrates Skull & Bones

Maybe, maybe not. . .

So it seems Blackwater may be coming home.
Cyber gangsta General Hayden has called for a Digital version in the US, and it’s just what we need to remove that last vestige of ethics from within our government so that we can release our throbbing surplus of bombs upon bestbuy, terminating hackers as they naively purchase their swag. Yes, a Digital Blackwater to combat cyber meanies – because when you think 7 is “the shit”, anyone with Linux seems dangerous.

As bad as the US gov has become, it still requires one at least be falsely accused, convicted of honest journalism, or running nmap before condemning them to the Bastille of Cuba. Of course this can be a difficult task with the residue of critical-thinking lingering from the pre-9/11 era, and none other than the chivalrous chaps from Blackwater can do it. With a name like “black water”, who better? This is surely the answer we’ve been waiting for. We can finally put an end to transparency, and stop this rogue band of cyber guerrillas. LulzSec, Anonymous, are you listening? Prepare for some white phosphorous bitches. Prepare to see your families and innocent neighbors in Elysium. Your suffering shall sprout like monsanto weeds amongst the gardens of the Bohemian Grove. Blackwater don’t miss. [yo], cause they shoot at everything. On the bright side, if the kills are clean, think of all the hoodies we could donate to the homeless. Dawg. Have a look at the conference video here. – a bit different from the less formal scene below. When these guys get naked, they really change.

Meanwhile, EIA records events at Skull & Bones Hindquarters::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A Haliburton banner hangs high at the entrance. Serpents decorate the moist corridors of the tomblike structure. A gramo-phone player quietly mocks the sound of crying children. A large wheel of questionable cheese lay untouched upon a jet-black pedestal. Pointy shoes litter the foyer, and through a lateral duct appears and retreats a sooty midget providing unisex adipose-slippers to each and every guest.

Gen. (specific) Hayden:
“Anyone else itching like a bastard? My goddam loins have been on fire ever since LulzSec started auditing our disinfomation proxies. Those goddam four-eyed little punks.. I’d like to hold a .50 cal to their smart little heads and see how much they want to hack then. Brhhhhrahhhh!”

The stench of fermenting meat pervaded the room as Gen (specific) Hayden cackled like a deranged chain-smoking steroidal whore. Panetta lie prone on the floor, midsection clasped tightly within a sequined black leather diaper, wiggling to entertain his overlords. Rumsfeld reclined in his chair, crafted from the skin of various holy men. George removed his left hand from the quivering warty thighs of Cheney and placed it upon the skull of Geronimo. The howl of the deceased could be heard throughout the sordid chamber of the Skull and Bones, and heat-lightning flashed in all directions outside the compound. Panetta wiggled tirelessly as young boys delivered overflowing goblets of blood-laced Rothschild wine. A particular soundtrack from Eyes Wide Shut played through a speaker mounted to the back of an embalmed marine. Al Gore was performing within his coffin.

Gen. (specific) Hayden went on:
“These *coughs*,… hackers are a poison to our secrecy. Our tactics of intimidation have failed. If we allow them to continue, the possibility that we be exposed is too much to ignore. They must be stopped! Blahha arghhff ummgiggleupps!”

Again, a waft of fermenting meat filled the room. Rumsfeld became excited and immediately joined Al in the coffin. Grunts, and wails of ecstasy overtook the looping soundtrack, and it was not but Hillary, Velcro’d to the ceiling – greased and unclothed but for a thorned harness – who shouted “SILENCE!”. All obeyed, and the coffin lay still.

Gen. (specific) Hayden continued:
“IS ANYONE ELSE ITCHING GODDAMIT?”

Giggles could be heard as if emanating from the stone walls. The room was visibly steamy, and the scent of meat had all in a frenzy. Several voices rang in unison, and the call for feeding became law. A smörgåsbord of entrails and various fermented sea-animals captured from the BP oil spill was savagely ravished by all but Hillary, who could catch only the flying debris which was plentiful enough to satiate her – having fed previously on the captured associates of Julian Assange. Grabbing enough to fill their trousers, Al and Donald returned to the coffin. A statue of Obama towered ominously above the elite group in judgment and approval. Panetta slurped what he could while wriggling furiously beneath the scorning gaze of the statue.

A garbled voice bubbled through the smacks and salivation: “Where is our Master?”. Silence was instant, and only the soundtrack and liquid trickles could be heard. Saddam Hussein hovered above the table, gaseous and bloated, oozing black smoke and pixy dust. Bernanke floated behind him, massaging his hairy back.

Saddam:
“Death….. It is death that brings us together. It is death that feeds us. I am Nebuchadnezzar! *Extremely weird and indescribable noises*. To the pits of the underworld with this soundtrack; Let us listen to Justin Bieber at once!”

Through wild cheers and wanton regurgitation commenced the unholy recommendation, and from a dank and distant corner crawled Sarkozy, sporting a ciphered scum-vest and carrying the boombox procuring the ritual music. The loop stopped, yielding to Justin’s hidden tracks. Bush (junior) began beatboxing.

Gen. (specific) Hayden:
“Oh Lord of all that nurtures us, Master and light, Aspiration of all that thriveth upon rot! Please let me finish..”

Saddam:
“Your wish is granted”

Gen. (specific) Hayden:
“May tyranny reign my lord! *hisses, like white noise* What we need is a Digital Blackwater. Though we have infiltrated the government to its final appendages, and purchased every journalist, lobbyist, and lout; even they cannot commit our will without stirring the objections of the moral and inferior fools that serve us. We must move our tyranny into the private sector! And like the hospitable killing fields of Babylon, we can take our mercenaries to the streets of America where no civilian would live without fear and bandages. We……..”

Larry Silverstein:
“You mean we should just pull it!?..”

Gen. (specific) Hayden:
“To some extent, yes. But you are skipping ahead.”

Larry Silverstein:
“But we do get to ex..plode something, right?”

Saddam:
Dost thou doubt my benevolence and generosity ingrate?”

ALL cower:
A chorus of “No not me[s]“, and “never my lord[s]” swept the room. Urine washed the port colored stones. Teeth chattered like diesel engines. The plethora of candles ignited the gas-filled air, singeing a small unshaven portion of Hillary’s chest-hair, and roasting a section of the table-meat and table itself.

Bush (junior) shouted:
“A NEW WHIRLED ODER!”

Bush (senior) tersely admonishes son:
“No you f#cking twit. No! Not “oder”, “ORDER” you sick failure; you shameful and odious beast! Wipe that white filth off of your face you little fiend! We cannot rule the world while high on c*ke you illiterate swine. And give me that beer you imbecile maggot!”

Barbara:
“Oh now George, look what you’ve done! You’ve given him an erection, and look, he’s laughing! You shouldn’t be so harsh. You know he has fetal alcohol syndrome, and is possessed by the spirit of Emperor Norton.”

A statue of Isis smiles in the background.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Stay tuned for part two of my covert surveillance of Skull & Bones Hindquarters – Featuring John Kerry and the Invisible Canine from Nebraska

- If the sound is inaudible above, looky here:

Genetic Tae Kwon Do – Lassie the Luminiferous

Article Source from The Register

If you are a dog owner, at some point you’ve undoubtedly wanted to see it emit light. Any reasonable lover of canines would; after all, is not Sirius the brightest star? In this modern age, who can expect unmatched loyalty, persistent love, and unique personality to compensate our desire to see something glow? It is a neon paradigm in which we live, and dogs are just too primitive. It will require far more than a boring heap of feisty affectionate fur to maintain our interests, and that’s that. But rather than abandoning “man’s best friend” to the concentration camps of pounds and rendering-facilities, we’ve finally discovered how to add that extra feature they’ve been missing all along. A team at a Seoul University has managed not only to make your pet glow, but has also provided a bio-switch which can be activated when you want light, or deactivated when you wish to avoid the envy of your friends. Yes, you can now turn your animal on and off. The downside is that it will not be instant just yet. The switch currently operates through feeding methods, and requires time to metabolize throughout the toy. Do not let this discourage you; there is no need to ever turn your dog off in the first place, and as long as you regularly add the correct ingredients it will continue to provide consistent entertainment. But if that all seems too much,……..

For those of you who get tired of the same old dog, an alternative form of radiation-based illumination is available. Many prefer this method as it glows around the clock, and no special ingredients are required. Of course the object will undergo rapid decay, and a replacement will be needed more often than with the less expensive biological-based counterpart. Some critics have pointed out the higher output of the radioactive versions, but others say it is the quality of light that matters most. The good news is that the choice is yours.

Animal rights activists have expressed concerns regarding the ethics of this new technology, and that a holographic alternative would be more appropriate. They say this is based on the fact that prospective owners are sufficiently detached from the dog itself, and could be just as happy with a virtual toy, especially if the sound was performed through Bose sound systems. They have also noted that the testing methods of this new technology might involve animal cruelty. Master “Kim Jong License-to-ill” has responded with the following statement:

All of the test subjects were certified by the rabbinical court to have been obstinate attorneys in past lives, and would have otherwise been sentenced to death by stoning. It has therefor been established that all testing processes fall not only well within ethical manufacturing regulations, but exceed those of North Korean civilians, specifically in caloric intake and general liberties.

The Eastern Animal Rights Agency has strongly disagreed, and has issued the following statement:

A dog is more than the sum of its light. It is a living object, which should not be purchased based solely upon its output.

Such statements have been dismissed by Monsanto, Raytheon, and Microsoft as unfounded accusations, hate-speech, and attempts to interfere with commerce. The president of Japan says he doesn’t know what all the fuss is about, and thinks it is as cute as dolphin pie. Currently, all dogs are on backorder, and availability involves a one week waiting list as the objects are incubated in Chinese laboratories.

Source

Distribute the truth, for only $151.00 days, On Sale Now!

Activist and citizen educator has been penally manhandled by pimpster Judge Perry and dedicated subordinate legal hussies. Read all about it at Orlando Copwatch.

Have a look at the sort of people who are criminalized by power-pustules. If Mr. Perry were to be interviewed, it wouldn’t sound nearly as intelligent – an E.I.A certified fact.

Source: Orlando Copwatch

Before you talk to that next person in line, or attempt to give that word of unsolicited advice to some stranger, bear in mind that you face up to a year in jail if you do so. Distribute valuable information and it’s guaranteed. However, feel free to place spam upon windshields of automobiles, and don’t hesitate to disturb awaken the peace with door-to-door advertisements of your choice. Just DON’T do anything potentially educational, or anything which threatens the private prison industry.

As free market advocates, it is our duty to not interfere with perhaps one of the greatest sectors of the US economy – the prison industry. By informing jury conscripts of their legal right to apply their conscience against unethical attempts at erroneous conviction, you violate the terms of the District of Columbia which properly owns you, as well as deprive parasites of their food. Parasites need ignorant under-financed humans to survive. Do NOT get in their way, or a cage awaits you.

For more fun and authoritarian-cinema, visit the link below, and follow the source to see a nice person properly beaten by two generous police officers. If you dislike nice responsible people and like to bruise their friendly flesh, this videos is for you: orlandocopwatch.com/caught-on-tape-good-samaritan-viciously-beaten-by-police-after-taking-their-picture/ Enjoy!

[Operation Paranoia] Amplified! – DHS/FEMA Psy-Fi Theater

Ne Boltai comrades, and welcome to E.I.A’s Psy-Fi Theater.

When we leave the safety of our homes we enter the real world. This is a perilous world where anyone can be a terrorist. When you see that man on his cellphone, or the suspicious character with the backpack, you might never expect they are out to destroy America, but the probability that they are up to something is substantial. This is why we as citizens must allow no inch of public space to go without proper scrutiny, and every individual must be scanned by every other individual.

That seemingly innocuous poet with the notebook appearing to enjoy a cappuccino,..that white van parked in the shade,..that “autistic” person who won’t make eye contact,…the list could go on; but any one of them might be out to get you and the United States of America, and it is up to you to report them to the authorities before they have the chance.

This necessitates a transformation of social conduct on a scale not seen since Soviet times. It will not be easy. Nothing free is worth having, and the struggle is unanimous, as every one of us share together the dangers of the outdoors (and public indoors). Though our society is traditionally opposed to dynamic thinking, we must trudge forth with great effort and begin exercising paranoia immediately. If you love your children, you will no longer fail to lean that extra few inches to see what the stranger beside you is texting on their cellphone. When you see a writer taking notes, it has become your duty to intercept the meaning and report it with haste. Would you have your child’s life ended just because you failed to call CentCom when you saw that man leave his briefcase at the door, or failed to intercept an articulate text-message?

Since the Neo-Cons took over America, threats of terrorism have risen 0.01%, and now pose dangers exceeding 0.02% – quickly approaching 1/1000 that of driving with a fastened seatbelt and 1/10000 that of being Tased by Lightning©! Please remain calm. Though the intelligence agencies will not disclose the following insider information that I am about to disclose to you, there is an insidious danger that most others are unaware of. This terrible danger threatens our freedoms, our SUVs, and our babies. It holds the power to enslave us to Islam, to abandon dependency on oil, to educate people and inform them. It carries the grave risk of common sense, and by no [mis]underestimation could have your children eating organic produce. This danger I shall inform you of to the woe of high confidentiality and secrecy, is the Intellectual, the Eccentric, the Anti-social, the Artist, the Guy who always has something interesting to talk about, the Lady at the bus-stop! In fact, it could be ANYONE! Do not be alarmed. Everything is under control. As long as you cooperate, everyone will remain safe. You have been given a general idea of your new mission; to leave no public action unhindered by your patriotic interference. Your institutionalized paranoia is NOT schizophrenia. It is now perfectly normal to suspect your friends and family and fellow citizens of terrorism. We saw what people in our own government did on 9/11. Let this be an example of how close the enemy might be lurking. No one would have ever thought Larry Silverstein was a terrorist before he bombed that 42 story building (tower 7). Remember your fascist mathematics friends; 2+2 = 5. Anyone who says otherwise is a either an extremist or terrorist (or has finished kindergarten).

And to ease the shocking effects of this privileged information, I will disclose one more confidential factor: With your help, the US government can finally have the unrestricted authority to eliminate all those pests who get in the way. You see, when you accuse your neighbor of terrorism, there wont be any need for silly Habeas Corpus, or daft due-process. In fact, they can simply be taken away without any hassle, and you can forget all about them. With your help, we’ll have the purge we’ve been waiting for, and rid society of disobedience and creativity for good. Your children will be safer than ever.

For more secrets and insider information, purchase my new book Citizen’s Filed-Guide to Expediting the New World Order for $29.99. Mention this coupon 0100100101001110010100110100000101001110010010010101010001011001 for a free pocket-version of suspicious activities including: Reading, Talking, Stillness, Backpa….BUY NOW, and stop the bad guys from destroying the American Dream! And don’t let our FEMA camps go to waste!

E.I.A Citizen Gestapo Tip of the Day: Next time you hear someone talking about something you either disagree with or don’t understand, report them to FBI or DHS and let trained agents deal with the problem. As the Great Whore of Babylon said: “Let us never tolerate outrageous conspiracy theories”.

For an example of what this kind of sloppy propaganda can do, on a serious note, see: Here. While it is an example involving race, such effects are not limited to this, and ultimately this Napolitano Propaganda will create dangers rather than mitigate them. The entire DHS should be put in a sanitarium immediately.

Inspired by ActivistPost and the following article by Simon Black.

Cyber-Molester Gonna Give You PTSD…and maybe an STD too

Being cyber-stalked is as bad as being raped, or in a war‘ – The Register
For an ‘in context’ explanation of the pre-GIMPed image above, see this link. Borrowed from cryptome.org for purposes of personal madness.

According to the The Register, a research report titled Cyberstalking in the United Kingdom is proposing that the psychological effects of cyber-stalking are comparable to rape, and cause PTSD equivalent to that inflicted by combat or war. If no more than an English phobia, “cyberstalking” probably wont become a new global soap-opera, and will likely only be embraced by a minority of eccentric Brits.

But could this imply a new-but-strange argument for the virtues of privacy; or is it the Onion? I’m all for making new cases to retain what vestiges of privacy we have, but “rape” and “combat”? I have never experienced combat outside the US, but I’ve certainly seen a situation or two for which I was surprised to survive. I remember them well, but cannot recall ever having cold sweats or flashbacks the many times my firewall has gone red, or during audits by mysterious sources. Admittedly, I do find attacks exciting, but unless they compromise my data, I generally find it unnecessary to swallow a handful of Benzodiazepine every time I sign into my google account.

When I first learned of the NSA’s room 641A, it was more interesting than traumatic, and though I felt molested, I never found it necessary to take a shower, get an STD test, or see a psychiatrist. Surely there is no greater cyber-stalker than the NSA or Google? Perhaps CALEA unsettles me a bit, and is no doubt a terrible invasion of privacy along with FISA, warrantless wiretapping, etc; but if I am to accept all similar protocols as rape, I shall be ruined for anyone else!

Even Katherine Albrecht hasn’t made such complaints! Well,.. it has been a while since I’ve watched her excellent lectures, and maybe since then she has covered Facebook. Hmm. Perhaps I should consider this after all. Even thinking of Facebook makes me feel violated. I feel dirty even typing it. Would it be too much to file charges of rape? I could use the financial compensation. Anyone who’s ever seen my etc.hosts file will clearly see that I’ve been traumatized enough to go to such lengths to protect myself. A look at my browser plugins might also indicate efforts at clinical chastity. And come to think of it, I think I may be passing LSOs in my stool.

This is beginning to sound like a nightmare. But how do we stop it considering that it is entirely legal, and even sponsored by governments and private sectors?

*If I am ever virtually raped, I sure hope it’s by a Linux user. They are known to be less biologically active, but when they do get infected, it often packs a serious punch. Just to be safe, I think I might pay a visit to Dr. Norton for a prescription of PC-Cillin. I can definitely foresee my combat skills being hindered by molluscum contagiosum.

rabbis condemn dog to death by stoning?

Edit: Though the BBC published the original article – which has been removed on their website – it seems the story was a hoax, but a funny one: Alternative article here….

The strange case of: Kosher vs Canine*No, this aint The Onion.
I guess it would be bad if it were a woman, but this is only a dog. Children also need outlets against idle time. So what better than to give them exercises in piety by killing dogs with rocks? David & Goliath, or Lassie & Herzl? To be fair, this is not just any dog. This sick beast has been accused of abetting the spirit of a lawyer, and if true, I do sympathize. The methods by which such convictions are made remain a mystery to me, though the rabbis must have done their homework, and the dog does look a bit dishonest. My primary concern is that they select children old enough to properly hurl the stones so as not to unreasonably sustain the process; for even an unclean beast deserves some humanity. Clearly a highschooler can throw harder than a preschooler, and I hope this is considered.

*If they had any doubts, maybe they could just release the dog into Palestine? It would have a high probability of being killed there, and if it survived, would do so miserably. This way, it will not immediately reincarnate as another dog and bite any of the children who killed it. But I must say, if they really are 100% certain that it was a lawyer, then by all means, build a pyramid on the treacherous animal, and seal the soul-chamber.

A New Pearl Huh?

CIA tea-leaf reader Leon Panetta says script-kiddies might destroy the entire universe and maybe even injure God or worse.

Ok, not exactly, but he did say that a cyber attack could be the “next Pearl Harbor“.

WTF? Is Anonymous going to DDOS Hawaii? SQL injection straight up Hillary’s backside causing a torrent of dangerous secrets to ooze from the great orifice of deception? Hmm… I think I’ve got it:

LulzSec is going to write a VisualBasic script to infect the NSA with an ultra super duper virus which will eventually take over employee’s minds via nano-technology bio-chips, and turn them all into evil cyber punks loyal to China, and of course Yemen too. After having endangered species stir-fry in Beijing in the company of asbestos-stuffed Mao dolls, they will proceed to Yemen where they will drink lots of Mountain Dew, order a pizza, make prank-calls, then turn innocent Americans into Israeli-hating Muslims via hacking the US’s most critical database – Fox News. Then through Telnet they will convert the Japanese back into suicide bombers and use a simulated Obama voice to hypnotize them to attack Pearl Harbor again. And the gubment will know in advance yet do nothing, and lots of hulas will be interrupted. The neo-cons will launch nuclear missiles in every direction and attempt to relocate to Mt Weather. But Julian Assange will leak their plans and they will be stopped by Batman or Robin, but it’s all too late. As the Obama administration immediately begins expanding the Patriot Act beyond infinity and giving foot massages to FBI agents, radiation kills them all, or almost all. Palin thrives in the new post nuclear holocaust environment, and begins bearing parthenogenic children which quickly inherit the Earth, and history repeats itself in a slightly different fashion. The Aliens leave in disgust, and bring the dolphins with them.

This is serious shit!

*Sequel Preview:
Little did the Aliens or Dolphins know, Al Gore had been caught in the landing gear, as he had lurched forth with great speed after the left tripod leg pierced the old septic tank of Jerry Springer‘s Long Boat Key home. Many tried to compete, but Al was the strongest, effortlessly beating back Avigdor Lieberman, Nicolas Sarkozy, and even Janet Napolitano who managed to seize his laptop and a patch of hair. Using the body fluids of Tom Cruise as lubricant, Al managed to stuff his rotund creature into the alien vessel’s available crevice. Hoping for a star-bound lover, Al had grabbed Jeb’s moist tentacle with all his might, but the mechanical gears severed it like Occam’s razor through the buttery logic of the US government. Al cried for the first time in his career. But his ego soon convinced him that he could alter the course of the Alien sun too, for which he was destined to find, and teach a new civilization the secrets of global warming and efficient energy. He only hoped they drove Hummers in the Pleiades. He quickly forgot Jeb, and ate the dangling tentacle.

The Aliens and Dolphins very much enjoyed each other’s company, and discussed all manners of creative subjects. They told of how their prophets had purposely devolved to incarnate as humans to save humanity, but were not appreciated and either murdered or ostracized. They heard a thump from below, and silence pervaded throughout the ship. The question was valid; a young dolphin asked the others if perhaps they might be under attack from Kirsan Ilyumzhinov. Unanswered, the silence resumed and the other dolphins became visibly agitated. Tesla, an elder dolphin, began calculating various aspects of the journey and possible counter-measures against the president of Kalmykia. Marley, observing the others’ agitation, began to sing, and a sense of well-being touched both dolphins and Aliens alike………..

*See Also: Geriatric War-Cry

To Hell With Congress; Let Script-Kiddies Declare War!

According to The Register, the Pentagon says hacking attacks can now be dealt with as acts of war.

It isn’t like we’ve ever had much difficulty in America waging wars without approval, but it should be even easier now. Perhaps this will be the way they finally get their craved war with Iran. After all, wars seem often products of ailing economies, and ours is ailing alright. It’s going to get worse too. Maybe that’s why our gubment is creating would-be/could-be enemies everywhere. So let’s see here; complaining about the IRS is terrorism, returning veterans are extremists(pdf), and your daughter’s stuffed animal is the leader of the Taliban. And don’t forget, Garry McKinnon almost single handedly destroyed the entire US of A when he invaded some military guy’s solitaire session. He failed though, and instead only caused one thousand billion zillion dollars worth of damage. Ben fixed it though. Imagine if Garry had dunnit these days; It would be the Uranium Kingdom, and 99% of the world’s cameras would be destroyed!. Are you scared?

I just don’t trust the Pentagon on the subject of war anymore. After the amateur artist’s-rendition they used to get us into Iraq, and after confiscating the 911 Pentagon footage for three years,(*1) and hordes of other ridiculous nonsense, I am worried they’ll be launching nerve gas over every continent after their little Windows boxes get hit with new and more powerful bots, or some camo twit infects cyber-command while surfing for animal porn. And I’d not put it past them to attack themselves either. With the average person’s understanding of IT, they could fool a lot of people. Stuxnet?

Yeah, there are real cyber threats. But don’t forget about the other threats too, like psychopaths with entire super-power militaries behind them! Yeah. And they never lie or exaggerate to get what they want…. PNAC? Another Pearl Harbor? I think they are going to have fun with this one, but I hope I’m wrong.

*1. Here in Sarasota, the CIA comes around several times each year to recruit students at Ringling School of Art and Design. Animation is a strong point of the school. I wonder, what would the CIA want artists and graphic-designers for? Gee wiz.
Meanwhile, in the Pentagon,
Neo-con in sequined black leather diaper: “In this power-point presentation, you will see drawings and animations of Ahmadinejad sneaking into the Pentagon and leaving with armed prostitutes. In his right hand you will see evidence of the nuclear testing which triggered DEFCON 1.”
Man in audience: “But,..that’s just.. a photo of Palin’s head!,…It can’t be..”
Ominous Voice: “Let us never tolerate outrageous conspiracy theories.”
*muffled gunshot sound. Cheney’s face. Duck flies over. National Anthem plays in reverse. From an oil rig millions of Rumsfeld locusts swarm from the right. From the high left is Ben, puking a torrential downpour of pennies- insinuating the Matrix, and change. Between them a bright light flickers. A gigantic inflatable Obama wiggles through, keeping them at bay. Zoom to white teeth, spaces between. Dog runs through Nebraska cornfield, chased by black helicopter. Infinite thigh. Hillary unmounts the Washington Obelisk. The obelisk droops to the ground, slowly. Murmurs of Robert Frost, fire and ice… Something about Ron Paul.
Two men outside Pentagon, smoking cigars:
“You watch that Onion episode where this place is sold to China?”
“Yeah,… Scary”
*Cigars are thrown to ground, slowing as they fall. Zoom to burning butts. Murmurs of Frost, and “suffice”.

RA-X – Hack The Pentagon